In the present day, July 16, is a really big day. Sure, it occurs to be my twenty eighth birthday (a truth I’m not deluded sufficient to assume anybody studying this cares about, but I’m mentioning it anyway as a result of I’m an attention-craving Most cancers), however it’s additionally the day that the Twilight franchise hits Netflix. The primary movie follows Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) as she strikes to a small city within the Pacific Northwest and attracts the eye of a mysterious, sparkly, undead vampire (Robert Pattinson); let’s refresh ourselves on their courtship, we could?

  1. We open on a shot of merely the greenest forest potential, full with deer, as Bella ruminates on how she’ll die. Is it…bizarre that teenagers had been so obsessive about this film?
  2. I forgot Bella leaves Phoenix as a result of her mother and her new husband wish to journey. Off to Forks, Washington, to maneuver in along with her cop dad!
  3. Oh, he’s not only a cop, he’s the chief of police. Acquired it.
  4. I promise I’m not going to topic this film to the lesbian gaze the whole time, however…man, they styled Kristen Stewart actually femme.
  5. OMG, it’s Jacob and Billy Black! A.okay.a. Taylor Lautner with lengthy, flowing hair! Man, talking of femme.
  6. Bella will get a cool purple truck as a homecoming current, and she or he’s very enthusiastic about it. As the brand new mom of a used Honda Match, I get the place she’s coming from. Everybody at her new highschool is impolite about her automotive, although, as a result of youngsters are dicks.
  7. Wow, I forgot the utter hell of gym-class volleyball.
  8. Hey, it’s Anna Kendrick as a cheerful busybody! She’s so good on this function.
  9. Bella’s new pals Eric, Mike, and Jessica eat lunch along with her, and Eric threatens to do a characteristic on her for the varsity paper, which…small city, I suppose. Anyway, he scraps it.
  10. Oh, hell yeah, it’s the Cullens.
  11. I do know the Cullens are technically a bazillion years outdated, however they actually don’t appear to be they’re in highschool.
  12. Edward Cullen time! My God, they actually laid the ivory basis on thick for him.
  13. LMAO, I additionally forgot that Edward spends most of his time in Bella’s presence trying like he’s going to barf (as a result of her blood smells good to him or one thing?). Anyway, she’s understandably harm.
  14. The knowledge of age actually adjustments one’s impression of this film. Now I’m identical to, “Oh, vampire or not, Edward’s an asshole.”
  15. Based on the “trivia” on the nook of my display screen, Lily Collins was thought of for the function of Bella Swan. Fascinating!
  16. Edward begins skipping faculty, presumably to keep away from Bella. Or perhaps he hates faculty.
  17. At one level, Bella leaves her home sporting no coat, however merely the biggest pair of mittens I’ve ever seen.
  18. Bella’s faculty pals are extraordinarily annoying, to the purpose that I can see why she’d ditch them for a cabal of vampires.
  19. Then once more, at the least they’re being good to Bella, who doesn’t seem to be a lot of a charmer.
  20. We’re again in bio class with Edward, who—it should be mentioned—can actually put on the hell out of a grey T-shirt.
  21. Eye-color-change time for Edward! They modify from black to golden-brown at whim, apparently. He blames it on the fluorescent lights, however we all know higher.
  22. There’s a minor automotive accident within the faculty car parking zone involving Bella (though Edward totes rescues her), which supplies us an opportunity to fulfill Dr. Cullen, the Cullens’ foster dad. The best way that he appears to be like is just so humorous that I can’t cease laughing the whole time he’s onscreen, so I don’t actually know what else occurs.
  23. Bella’s confused at how Edward rescued her so shortly. It’s super-strength and pace, babe!
  24. Mike asks Bella to promenade, however she tells him to ask Jessica as an alternative. Brutal, as Olivia Rodrigo would possibly say.
  25. I’m not likely a fan of Edward in a peacoat, I’ll say it.
  26. Bella is hooked on dropping issues every time Edward is round, which is the one relatable a part of this film.
  27. “When you had been good, you’d avoid me,” Edward tells Bella, within the phrases of so many creepy older males earlier than him.
  28. Bella and her pals log on on the reservation Jacob lives on, and we study that there’s some beef between the Cullens and the Quileutes there (who’re supposedly descended from wolves).
  29. I’m dying on the shadowy flashbacks exhibiting the Cullens searching in old-timey garb.
  30. Apparently, the Cullens miss faculty every time it’s sunny out for “mountaineering and tenting and stuff.” Or can they not be seen in daylight, as a result of they’ll sparkle? To not get forward of myself…
  31. Bella and her mortal ladies are prom-dress buying, and when she breaks off, a bunch of creepy frat guys encompass her. Fortunately, Edward zooms up out of nowhere to avoid wasting her, and the blokes again off.
  32. Okay, now the jig is up, however Edward nonetheless received’t clarify his powers to Bella.
  33. A buddy of Bella’s dad’s is useless from an “animal assault,” however, uh, it’s in all probability not that, proper?
  34. Bella begins researching to seek out out extra concerning the Cullens, and learns a complete lot concerning the undead world wide. I’m actually a sucker for any exposition scene.
  35. I needed to rewind this well-known scene twice as a result of I used to be laughing so onerous: Edward lastly takes Bella to a area and lets the daylight hit him. Guess what? He sparkles. “That is the pores and skin of a killer, Bella,” he tells her, glowing all of the whereas.
  36. Aw, they lie in a area. Love is actual, although he thirsts for her blood.
  37. Okay, this is my favourite scene in the whole film: Edward invitations Bella over to his giant-ass forest mansion, they usually hang around along with his mother and father and mildly judgmental siblings.
  38. “Is she even Italian?” asks Rosalie Cullen, within the pissiest voice potential, as everybody cooks Italian meals primarily based on the truth that Bella’s identify is Bella.
  39. Oh, so it’s not simply Edward who’s sexy for the scent of Bella’s blood (ew); they’re all obsessive about the way in which she smells, although they’ve renounced ingesting human blood as a household.
  40. LOL, Edward doesn’t sleep. Ever.
  41. Edward takes Bella climbing within the bushes exterior his home, which truthfully seems like a reasonably enjoyable date.
  42. Oh God, I forgot he’s a piano nerd too.
  43. “What’s he? Jock? Indie?” Bella’s mother asks when she tells her she likes a boy. Ah, 2008.
  44. Oh Christ, Edward watches Bella sleep with out her information or consent. I do know each feminist ever has railed about how problematic the character of their relationship is, however rattling, it’s actually that dangerous.
  45. Critically, what are ladies purported to internalize right here? “Be good and have good-smelling blood so some shiny man will wish to kill you”?
  46. Kristen Stewart’s dazzling array of hoodies on this film is paining my middle-school coronary heart.
  47. IT’S THE BASEBALL SCENE, BABY! Iconic! Sensible!
  48. Why have I by no means corralled a gaggle of my pals to be the Cullens of their baseball gear for Halloween?
  49. Uh-oh, the rival assassin vampires present as much as spoil the enjoyable. They scent Bella, who famously smells good, and threaten to hint her scent.
  50. Rosalie doesn’t wish to assist throw the dangerous vampires off the path, however Dr. Cullen sternly tells her that Bella is “household now.”
  51. Chase montage! Actually, can they simply play baseball once more?
  52. Each time they discuss concerning the “tracker” I image a Domino’s Pizza Tracker, which is making me need pizza.
  53. I forgot Alice is psychic, LOL.
  54. James (#1 dangerous vampire) captures Bella, and she or he wakes up within the hospital along with her mother there. She broke her leg and misplaced a variety of blood, however she’s in any other case okay.
  55. Promenade time! Ah, to go to promenade with a vampire whereas sporting a leg forged.
  56. Bella and Edward make out at promenade like regular little mortals, however there’s nonetheless bad-vampire hazard on the horizon. On to the following!

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